Denial? Got it! Love? Maybe I Lost It?

Living in denial, I’ve been doing it. Denying the obvious and thinking everything is ok. Living a life so focused on what’s around me that I’ve lost sight of my whole life’s purpose. Every day I am consumed with the world. When I am not at work, I am at school. Where does church fit in? The honest answer? It doesn’t. My dad is a pastor and I haven’t even been to church in 6 months. Unless you really want to count that one time I went to the church’s Christmas play? What have I become? Only attending church once, working forty hours a week, and worst of all…giving God the backseat. I’ve become lost and worldly.

How could I have not seen all of this happening? God gave me the answer to that question last night. He gave me multiple dreams. These dreams were vivid, crystal clear. He showed me walking through my daily life without a care for anything other than my own schedule and my own agenda. He showed me walking past the lonely and broken that sit outside the stores wishing they could have what everyone else walking in and out has. He showed me looking the other way when someone cried for help when their funds had run dry. He showed me a pair of glasses and said take a look through these eyes. But what I saw was nothing of importance, or significance. I just saw people going about their daily lives. Yes, I saw corruption, but why didn’t  I see pain? I saw an emotionless people reliving the same day over and over again. Then he said try these. Another pair? What’s going on? So, I took a look. I saw pain, suffering, corruption, chaos, destruction, deception, and so much more. But amongst all of that, I also saw beauty, love, peace, grace, forgiveness, and hope. He said now you see what I see. 

He said, when I look, I see all the things you don’t. I see the pain behind the widows eyes, I see the suffering in the man’s heart as he swipes his cards and hopes it won’t be declined, I know the hopes and dreams of the people on the streets, a hope for a better tomorrow and a brighter future. He said, why have you lost sight of what matters most? For a while you saw the world as your home. You saw it as permanent. You were living to please yourself and to accumulate wealth on earth. You chose to ignore the pain and suffering of those around you and even your own self. And you chose to ignore the beautiful mess all around you. And by doing this you have abandoned many opportunties to glorify me.

I couldn’t help but ask, God is this really what I’ve become? The answer to come next was quite obvious…of course He said yes. He said you’ve forgotten what it means to sacrafice. And you’ve forgotten what it means to suffer. You may still remember what it means to put others before yourself, but you’ve somehow forgotten how to act upon it. Your vision is blurred and your heart is shielded. You’re neglecting to see and feel what I want you to see and feel. He said, I’ve given you this life and so far you’ve done well. So what now? Why are you stopping? This is no time for stopping. Listen carefully. When I am ready to come, I won’t hesitate, it will be as quickly as the blink of an eye. So be prepared. He said, there are only so many second chances that can be lived out before the blink of an eye.

This dream was like a reality check or a slap in the face. This actually didn’t feel like a dream at all. It felt more real than anything I’ve ever “dreamt” before. Prior to the dream I had been listening to a song that my friend had told me about that day. Call me crazy but I think that was part of God’s plan. It was like the prequel to what was about to happen next. The chorus of the song is incredible. It is now my heart’s cry. I feel it is one of the most true things I have ever heard in a song. It says, “Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away, I can feel I’m fading…Cause Lord I love so many things that keep me from Your face, Come and save me…” Is that not the most true thing you have ever heard? The song is called: “All the pretty things” by Tenth Avenue North. Another song God placed on my heart was a song by Jj Heller called “What love really means”. As he was showing me everything in my life and showing me passing by the hurting people…all I could hear was this song. The chorus says, “Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? ‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, What love really means what love really means.”

I know what I need to do now. It’s sad that it took almost six months for me to even acknowledge God’s voice and be sensitive enough to Him. I’ve been so consumed with the things around me that I have completely lost sight of what is real and what life is all about. I’ve been living for the world around me and not for the kingdom that awaits to determine my fate. It’s time that I stop acting like I have everything together and like I’m a “Christian” and like I love God. I need to live it like God has everything together for me, I need to live it like I’m living for Christ, and I need to love God with every ounce of my being. If I thought life was hard before…I know I’m in for a shock. But I say bring it on? I’d rather suffer for Christ than keep suffering for the world around me.

It’s funny that my last blog was about making progress…and here I am…still failing but hoping and really trying for progress. 

It’s also funny that this all occurred on the last night of 2010. So, 2011 I am coming in with a bang. I am starting over and I can’t wait to see what challenges God presents me with next. No more waiting and watching. It’s time to get active and be sensitive!