Muddy Water

Sometimes faith is a little like muddy water. We can see the pool of it, but we cannot see what lies underneath. As I walked down the streets of Nepal trying to avoid the pools of muddy water created by the monsoon season, I was thinking about what God was teaching me on this trip.

At the beginning of this trip, during training camp, Don asked us a question during our first listening prayer. He wanted us to ask the Lord what gift he was going to give us on this trip. At first, I thought I couldn’t hear anything, but later during worship I realized that I didn’t trust that it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. However, it turned out the word God gave me was ‘faith.’

God continued to show me different ways that my faith could grow. I started with listening prayer because it takes a ton of faith. I also began to notice the little ways that I would question if God would provide. He called me to teach at some point during the week and I wanted to force a lesson on love because that has been such an important part of my story. Yet, every time I went to put something together, I hit a brick wall. 

God then told me through another listening prayer, to humble myself in order to speak his word boldly. I started to pray about it a lot, as I sat in bed, God started putting together a wonderful lesson. Only it was not on love, it was about faith.

I was reminded of the story of Abraham climbing to Mount Moriah to sacrifice his son Isaac because the Lord told him to. As he was walking to the mountain, Isaac asked where the lamb for sacrifice was. Abraham simply reminded him of the promise, ‘The Lord will provide.’ After reading this story, I had an epiphany. I had put my ‘yes’ on the table. I had told God I was all in, but I was not trusting in Him enough to jump into the muddy water. I did not want to jump into a place without control, a place I would not know the outcome.

I doubted that God would provide the words for my lesson, I doubted that I was supposed to be on this trip, I doubted that I was worthy of this calling. God reminded me through this story, through His Son that faith is not something you can look at from afar, you have to dive fully in, trust that the Lord will be there regardless of the outcome. I could no longer just hope for an outcome perfectly wrapped up in a bow. I had to change my perspective to see that God chose me.

God chose messy, inadequate me to jump into the muddy water of Nepal. He reminded me that even with faith the size of a mustard seed, He would provide enough to sustain me for whatever I went through; all I had to do was obey. He showed me that I am worthy, that through Jesus’ death on the cross, I am renamed; beloved, faithful servant, and a daughter of the king.

Even in the muddy water, when I do not know the outcome, I can rest in the promise that God is still standing at the end of the day. In my doubt and worry that the Lord would not provide, He continued to show me His Son. Through our faithlessness, He is faithful.

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