A Physical Touch from an Invisible God

I thought I was being ignored, or left out when it came to conversation with God. I felt as though I was talking and waiting for an answer that would never come. I would get irritated, annoyed, upset and offended. I knew in my mind that He was there and I knew that He was listening and longing to speak with me but my heart disagreed. My heart was hurt and I was angry.

I didn’t understand why He wasn’t answering me, I didn’t understand why He was remaining invisible to me.

The first weeks of my trip to Jamaica were all but easy. So many things happened. My team divided up in more ways than I can count and people were losing the joy and excitement they once had at the beginning of our adventure. They traded those things in for worry and irritation, myself included. The atmosphere created attention and division. Trying to fix it, I became a even more frustrated and hurt.

On a Wednesday night my team decided to have a night of soaking worship where we could just sit and listen to music, do a personal bible study, pray, etc.. A day or two later we did so again. After I had finished the passage I was studying, I left the room were we had gathered. 

As I was leaving heading into my own room I ran into one of my amazing leaders and mentors for the trip. Seeing I was unsettled she asked if I would like to talk. I expressed to her my irritation with not hearing the Lord and not understanding why. She then asked if I would like to go and pray together through a guided prayer because this had helped her in the past when she has felt this way. I said yes, but was silently hesitant not understanding quite how it would go.

We went up to a patio so that we could be in silence. She opened in prayer and then asked me to close my eyes and imagine a place where I had felt God before or a place I was in peace at. The first image that came to my mind was a wooden porch with white railing and an outdoor sitting couch each I was on. The sun was slowly rising beautifully over the tree line and I could feel the warmth of its rays. She asked if I could see Jesus. I looked around and could not visibly see Him, but as I asked the lord to reveal himself to me, instantly I felt him there in the far corner of the porch. I felt heavy and weighed down, my chest was tight and knotted.

I realize this weight came from sin and sham I held.

I felt as though I didn’t deserve to be sitting in front of Him covered in so much dirt and filth.

Jesus then told me that weight I had, was not for me to keep it was for Him to take and for Him alone to bear.

As He softly spoke these words the weight began to lift from my body. I felt light and renewed, feelings of peace and calmness swept over me. I now felt Him much closer next to me. I asked the Lord to show me exactly what the weight was from.

He responded to me with tender and slow speech; He showed me that the heavy weighted shame and guilt came from the past memory of stolen innocence and the bitter anger I held in my heart for the person that stole it.

I said all of this both in my head and out loud. My leader asked me if I could hold the memory out in my hand. I did so and as my hands held it firmly pressed under mine where the hands of Jesus.

I told Jesus that I didn’t know if I was ready for Him to have it.

He told me again that it is not mine to keep or mine to bear.

He sat patiently as I battled over the idea of full surrender. He didn’t rush me or my decision he wasn’t forceful or harsh. After I debated with myself I gave up the hurt and gave Jesus the memory that stalked me.

Christ’s presence was undoubtedly there! Jesus gave me reassurance of love and forgiveness. He embraced me with a physical love. It became much brighter and the sun stood still over the tree line ahead of me. As I wondered why this was Christ told me that the sun was His Father, constant and brightly displayed. The sun had stopped moving because God doesn’t change or move in the way we do. During this all around me two colors dominated the setting, green and white like bright sun rays with gold streaks as if they had been painted.

I was told that the colors being shown to me where representations of growth and purity, new chapters soon to come in my life.

After this encounter with the Lord I came to the realization that Jesus is so much more than an invisible being. He is living and active, longing to be in conversation with us. Wanting for us joy and truth. He can see our pain and takes count of every tear. He gives real physical love, and passionate affection, and he is so much more than invisible.