I Do Not Wake Up Anymore

I got back into the states on Thursday July 23, 2015. For the next week I woke up at 2:30 am. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. At first it was annoying and I would beg God to let me fall back asleep. Each day got easier. Every time I would spend time in prayer and I would cry. I was all alone at 2:30 in the morning every day. Honestly it was the best part of my day. I knew for the next four hours I would be alone to cry. I was able to just let out all my emotions.

I missed my team…I miss my team. Being home is not easy. Actually it stinks. They say it will be hard, they say people won’t understand. They are right. Everyone wants to understand they truly do, but the hard truth is that they just can’t. That is okay! Seriously. My best friends know me, better than I know me sometimes. They know that I like my Dr. Pepper with no ice. They know that I have a very unhealthy obsession with Beauty and the Beast. They know that I LOVE children. They know how much I really love cuddling. They know it all, from how I broke my elbow when I was four to how to really annoy me about the grey spot in my hair. They just get me. The only thing they don’t know is how hard it is for me to be home. They don’t know that I wish every day that I was in Africa with my preschoolers. They probably don’t even know that I love them with all my heart, but I wish they could just understand every emotion I have right now.

My team knows all of that and so much more. They know that sometimes I just start signing to praise. They know that I dance and pretend no one is watching. They know that I eves drop like nobody’s business(I guess technically everyone’s business).They know what being home is like. Honestly I cannot even put into words what it is like to be back. My team understands. They were there. They experienced what I experienced. Being able to talk to them makes it so much easier. They love until they have nothing else to give, and then they pour out more love. I see Jesus in them still. I do/say things and remember who got me saying it in the first place. God reminds me to pray for them daily. That they are still adjusting to life too.

I remember a moment that God told me to stop worrying. I was sitting on the kitchen counter before we were going to have team time. It had been a draining day and I was not feeling loved. I was writing in my journal and just pouring everything out to God through it. Not a minute later two of the girls on my team, Erin and Jenna (who are the most loving people in the entire world even though they’d never boast about that). They didn’t even know that I was hurting and they poured out so much love that I couldn’t believe what was happening. God pours out on me still through my team, they live everywhere in the states, but they still find a way to love. 

I realized that on Tuesday July 28, 2015 my trip was officially over. I woke up that morning at 9:30 am. That was the first time I hadn’t woken up at 2:30 in the morning. I cried that morning. I liked being on Africa time. I am entering into college in about a week and a half. Now it is time to continue my walk with Christ in an entirely different setting. I am ready. God is going to do big things in these next four years, and every year after. I am ready to see what He is calling me to do with the rest of my life. So I don’t wake up anymore, that is okay. Its time for me to be fully invested it what God is calling me to do right here.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12 (NLT)

My prayer for each of our lives is that we seek God with all that we are. That we would be unashamed of the Gospel and that we would allow God to work in/through us. I pray that we would love the people of this world without holding anything back, as well as to love the other believers around us.