Numbness.
It’s a feeling we’ve all felt at some point or other. Recently, I fell asleep on an exceptionally bumpy bus ride and woke up feeling as if I had lost a leg. Sometimes, when I was a diligent young student, I would be rudely awoken in class only to find out that I in fact could not take notes because I had laid my head on my hand and this rendered it periodically fuzzy feeling.
In my walk with Jesus I have also periodically noticed this same feeling; sometimes my spirit feels numb. Sometimes my heart seems to be put of commission, slave to an alien sensation or no sensation at all.
Sometimes my spiritual eyes seem dull, bleary, or completely shut. Sometimes my spiritual ears feel plugged. If I am honest, there are times where no matter how I try, I feel as if I just cannot hear God’s voice. No matter how much I exercise discipline and faithfully dive into the word, there are times when I seemingly get nothing. There are other times even still when I have to force myself to read God’s living Word because somehow my heart just isn’t hungry for His mysteries, truth, or gentle whispers.
The past few months have felt like this sort of season for me; a season I can only classify by its lack of feeling. I have been spiritually numb.
But a few weeks ago I was called by a friend and asked to be a leader for this month long mission trip to Guatemala–to lead a mess load of high school students closer to the heart of the Father, into Guatemala and into a deeper understanding of Christ-like service. Even though I felt spiritually numb and incredibly inadequate for the task, my personal prayer time seemed to confirm that this is what God wanted for me during this time.
In my time here in The Guat, leading these amazing young men and women of God, you know what I have realized?
When my hand is numb, it’s still there. When my leg gets numb, it hasn’t fallen off. And when my spirit feels numb my relationship with Jesus has not wavered.
Because since I have been in Guatemala, guess what: I don’t feel much less numb! But I have heard the voice of God, been obedient, and seen the fruits. I have allowed the spirit to move me. I have found truths in His scriptures, even when I wasn’t really feeling up for it. Because the reality is that God does not ever rely on my to take up the slack. He has pursued me from day one, carried me, led me, and been inexplicably gracious to me, weather I’m up for it or not.
That’s who he is. God pursues.
He is is pursuing you now. He has been pursuing you. He will never stop pursuing you.
So just give up the idea that you have anything to do with it. Weather you feel up for it or not, God feels up for it. He is always willing to pursue those he loves, relentlessly, perfectly, and unconditionally.
Give up. And give in.
